Jump
by Aviolin
Summary: Do you think that one day he will jump?" Owen asks. Set after S1 so spoilers for that! Angsty piece of Jack/Ianto


I don't own anything, it belongs to BBC and RTD, you know how it goes. But well, maybe in some twisted different universe they do belong to me.

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The view over Cardiff is beautiful and Ianto watches it every night from the rooftop ledge. But it's not the view that draws him here. This is exactly the same spot where Jack always stood watching over Cardiff as its silent guardian in the shadows. Ianto sometimes joined him but he never stayed long. He usually just handed the coat, coffee, umbrella, note or whatever he used as an excuse to see Jack at the time and the he just walked away. Sometimes Jack grabbed him though, too tight and too close on the narrow ledge and kissed him breathless their hearts hammering in the same rhythm knowing it was _that _close from falling down.

But this time there is no Jack to hold him safe and wind blows harder than it should making him feel unsteady.

His hands are shaking and he knows he should walk back. Since he fell from a tree at the age of six and broke his ankle he has always been scared of heights. There are other places to angst on the roof than Jacks ledge. If he would stumble or lose his balance just for a small moment he would fall down to death and unlike Jack he wouldn't just stand up and mend the broken bones. He would die. Fall, fall, fall and then crash to the pavement and his skull would shatter and all of his knowledge, his memories, his messed up thoughts would leave a sticky stain of brain goo for Torchwood to clean away. His broken body frozen in a locker next to Suzie who betrayed them all. If he would manage to fall face down he would be an excellent body for clean up missions, face already violated to save some time and effort.

Sometimes he wants to take that step. Jump and fall face down.

Jack has been gone three months now. Owen is the leader but only in paper. He sits in his new office (not Jacks old office now, Ianto is the only one who has permission to go in there) and plays games on computer, answers the phone when it's nothing too important (when they get a call from the Prime minister or UNIT it's always Ianto speaking) and doing his old job bossing everyone around. Gwen is the one who really leads Torchwood. She is good, Ianto must admit. She has grown so much during long weeks from naïve girl next door to something colder and more determinant. She has edge in his voice now and she doesn't hesitate to pull out the gun. She has a healthy head on her shoulders and she keeps them alive and sane always remembering to smile.

But she's not Jack.

There are so much things that Ianto does besides basic cleaning, coffee making and taking care of the tourist information centre but he can't tell her those things in fear that it might upset her. He files his own reports leaving the signature lines empty, locks them to boxes and carries on knowing that no one would ever read them. Jack read them all when he still was here. Jack knew every single less glamorous job Ianto did and knew how to ease the pain and guilt over his own actions. Now when Ianto walks around Cardiff with pleasant smile and briefcase making people forget the ones they loved the most and cleaning up the evidence of their existence there is no one to hug him afterwards, there's no one to tell that he just saved them from more pain.

Ianto knows he could forget Jack too. Just one small pill of retcon and his own voice lulling him to sleep giving instructions to his own memory.

But of course it wouldn't work. It's too difficult to forget Jack, even with the strongest level of retcon Ianto has (and that could make ordinary man to return to his very first breath in this world). He wouldn't be able to wake up in his own flat without triggering Jack memories. There are still Jacks shirts in his closet, pair of trousers Ianto washed but never had time to return and red braces tied to the headboard of his bed (it was a busy morning, knots were too tight and they didn't have enough time to open them since the world was ending so they just left them there), Needless to even say, one step to the Hub and Jack memories would overload his senses. Retcon is pointless, he knows it because he has used it enough times to master the skill perfectly.

He sighs looking down at the ground. It's a long way and he's so high that his head feels dizzy. Accidental looking fall would be so easy, all the team would see in CCTV would be small moment of unbalance and then bye-bye Ianto. It would be easier to the team that way, better than finding his body from his flat hanging from the ceiling in his favorite navy tie. He tried it once actually. Standing on a stool tie secured around his neck, the other end tied around a pipe on his ceiling with his best boy scout knot. The fabric would hold his weight, he tested that earlier. This happened week after Jacks disappearance, two hours after he found out that Jack had left with the Doctor. Well obviously he didn't do it but it wasn't from the lack of trying. He was ready to kick the stool away when this memory returned to his head, him and Jack in the Hub after everyone else had left. Jack had yanked him from the tie not bothering to be gentle, twisting the silk around his fist. It had been Ianto bent over a desk Jack holding the tie, choking him. It had been so _good_. So he took off the tie, jumped from the stool and cursed Jack because even behind distances greater than Ianto could imagine he still had the control.

Door bangs somewhere and Ianto soon sees Gwen leaving, walking across the Plas, talking to her phone (probably to Rhys) looking careless and like any other late night worker in Cardiff. The whole team seems to appear so happy even though they really aren't but they create a pretty image of Torchwood laughing, joking, telling stories and acting like nothing is wrong. Ianto can't understand why they bother pretending because everything is _wrong _because there's no Jack. Jack was the heart of Torchwood in Iantos eyes. Jack was everything but he left without bothering to say goodbyes or leave a note that he's going somewhere. Ianto can't help but wonder if Jack thought that they weren't worth of goodbyes. Maybe Jack lied to him while whispering sweet nothings to his ear in darkness when their bodies were spent and relaxed.

It's not possible to mean all those words if leaving is so fucking easy.

"Do you think that he will jump one day?" Owen asks silently eyes fixated on the computer screen where CCTV camera shows Ianto standing on the ledge, hands in his pockets.

"I hope not" Toshiko answers.

She swears her heart stops when Ianto dangles one foot over the ledge looking too calm eyes clearly staring downwards to the long fall. He stays there a moment before pulling his foot back and turning around. For a moment the camera is able to capture the sharp and cold look on his face. Then he's walking away out of the camera range.

"Lets just hope that Jack comes back soon" Owen says grimly.


End file.
